I don't know if it's helping though; the past two weeks have been a slow descent into depression; while a bad thing, I guess at least I'm not rapid-cycling from mania to depression and back again at will, but, now all the old feelings of being worthless are coming back.
I guess that when you're not in a state of depression for more than a day or two, without bouncing into happiness and mania for another day or two, it becomes hard to really focus on how much your life sucks. You're almost brainwashed by the fact that you have several insane moments during the week, where everything feels like it's covered in gold leaf.
That facade has fallen. The grip of self-deprecation is taking hold. For the first time in at least a year, I found myself wishing to die. Not to the point of wanting to take my own life; I mean, there are extenuating circumstances as to why I probably won't ever try that again, but, if I was diagnosed with a terminal condition and given a week to live? Yeah. I wouldn't be unhappy.
Sometimes, it's just the same shit, different day syndrome that is existence in the 21st century. "Existence"... if you could even call it that. I'm sure it's my own fault, I've spent years isolating myself from society, so now, my life consists of a monotonous continuum, never once changing for the better. The lack of social interaction usually doesn't bother me too much unless I expose myself to vast swathes of society all at once... then it becomes too much and I run away, clutching at my solitude.
Alas, times like this... the run-up to the clock ticking on one more year... one more year crossed off the calendar of life. I hate the feeling of getting older; I may have said this before. Aging is one of the things I fear the most. That, and my reflection. Sometimes, I think of neither, and see myself as I wish to be. Other times, it's a sinister menace waiting to pounce out from the shadows and crush my self-confidence into dust; my brain playing a chorus of Baz Luhrmann's Sunscreen, morbidly changing the words in my head.
You are as fat as you imagine.I often find myself wondering, whether it's normal to feel this way; indeed, whether I'll ever truly be happy with my life, with who I am, with how I look; I wonder whether I'll ever be loved. At times, I find someone who's interesting and who I'm attracted to... yet doesn't feel the same way, and never will. Then I remember that old saying and resign myself to another year of loneliness.
You have to love yourself before others can love you.
