I'll never be one of them, no matter how I try

I feel like such a horrible person. I look around, see happy people, and wish that they'd all have something horrible happen to them to take away that happiness. Right now, my emotions are operating on a 'if I can't be happy, you can't be happy' wavelength.

I'm incapable of being happy with myself, and this adversely affects everything else. I went to see Tegan & Sara live, and while I loved the music, and it definitely goes down as one of the best shows I have ever been to; I ended up looking at all the beautiful lesbians and becoming depressed that I'll never be like that, not unless I spend hundreds of thousands on extensive plastic surgery.

Friends suggest we go out together, and as much as I'd love to... as much as I really want to, I know I won't fit in, can't fit in. I feel so powerless to my circumstance. So unattractive. So worthless. There are so many social boundaries that feel like an iron curtain, my happiness being on the other side, unattainable.

I think the only way I'll ever attain peace in this life is by dying... and that just makes me even more sad.

Maybe they're right

When I started this little journey of mine, I wasn't quite prepared for just how much self-doubt, angst, depression, general unhappiness and all the other things I've been dealing with. I figured that since I was finally doing something, then I'd be happy. How wrong was I?

Very, apparently.

Now, I assume that a lot of what I'm feeling right now has to do with being off my meds - I can't afford more until next week, and so, no doubt the current hormone imbalance is doing plenty of its own unique and special things to fuck with my mood.

This week has been especially interesting; I've been feeling both happy and sad at the same time; I've been having flashbacks and nightmares; and, I've been wondering whether I should just give up on it all. That's not to say I'm contemplating suicide, or indeed want to attempt suicide, I've just been thinking a lot that this life really sucks and is working out to be very pointless indeed.
Never underestimate the power other people - complete strangers - have to screw with your self-confidence either. Getting called 'sir' all the time really hurts. Now, admittedly, I still go to work as a guy, but, I often put a lot of effort into looking androgynous, and so, It Hurts, Damnit.

I'm just so afraid that nothing will turn out right.

I am not depressed, I am not depressed, I am not ...

As a kid, my mom always tried to drum into me the idea of "The Power of Positive Thinking". She isn't a religious person, but, if she was, I'm fairly certain that her religion would be self-motivation; and to a degree, I suspect it is.
I'm incredibly lucky to have a mom like her, she's an incredibly strong, independent, free-thinking woman; and definitely the greatest role-model in my life - she is likely why I ended up a feminist after all... though she never consciously pushed me in that direction.

It's things like that which get to me though... I never really got into the whole positive thinking thing - moreover, I never really figured out how to cope with the bouts of incredible depression that hit me from time to time... now brought more regular by hormones that aim to approximate the monthly cycle of womanhood. Sadly, it's always something I least expect that pushes me into it, and leaves me blindsided by sadness, confusion, depression.

Today, it was this: Hunter Valentine (a band I love) posted about a gig they're doing today, in West Hollywood, LA, at a place called Girlbar; which got me thinking... I wonder if there are any lesbian bars in London of that ilk - by that, I mean, similar to how they are in the US.
I managed to find a list, which is by now at least a couple of years out of date - many of the bars have closed, or changed, or a multitude of other things; websites left without updates for over a year and all that good stuff.

Then it hit me... the depression, revolving around the thoughts "And how, prey, do you intend to go to a bar for gay girls?" coupled with "Yes, you consider yourself to be a gay girl, but, no-one else does... so, you're basically... Fucked."
I'm sure this would be easier if I had a bunch of female friends who were gay too, but, I don't, so it isn't... and all the positive thinking in the world isn't going to change that for me.

I do find it interesting however, the way that the majority of my depressive thoughts circle around things relating to me not getting to be me. I guess it makes sense in a way though.