As a kid, my mom always tried to drum into me the idea of "The Power of Positive Thinking". She isn't a religious person, but, if she was, I'm fairly certain that her religion would be self-motivation; and to a degree, I suspect it is.
I'm incredibly lucky to have a mom like her, she's an incredibly strong, independent, free-thinking woman; and definitely the greatest role-model in my life - she is likely why I ended up a feminist after all... though she never consciously pushed me in that direction.
It's things like that which get to me though... I never really got into the whole positive thinking thing - moreover, I never really figured out how to cope with the bouts of incredible depression that hit me from time to time... now brought more regular by hormones that aim to approximate the monthly cycle of womanhood. Sadly, it's always something I least expect that pushes me into it, and leaves me blindsided by sadness, confusion, depression.
Today, it was this: Hunter Valentine (a band I love) posted about a gig they're doing today, in West Hollywood, LA, at a place called Girlbar; which got me thinking... I wonder if there are any lesbian bars in London of that ilk - by that, I mean, similar to how they are in the US.
I managed to find a list, which is by now at least a couple of years out of date - many of the bars have closed, or changed, or a multitude of other things; websites left without updates for over a year and all that good stuff.
Then it hit me... the depression, revolving around the thoughts "And how, prey, do you intend to go to a bar for gay girls?" coupled with "Yes, you consider yourself to be a gay girl, but, no-one else does... so, you're basically... Fucked."
I'm sure this would be easier if I had a bunch of female friends who were gay too, but, I don't, so it isn't... and all the positive thinking in the world isn't going to change that for me.
I do find it interesting however, the way that the majority of my depressive thoughts circle around things relating to me not getting to be me. I guess it makes sense in a way though.
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