I'll never be one of them, no matter how I try

I feel like such a horrible person. I look around, see happy people, and wish that they'd all have something horrible happen to them to take away that happiness. Right now, my emotions are operating on a 'if I can't be happy, you can't be happy' wavelength.

I'm incapable of being happy with myself, and this adversely affects everything else. I went to see Tegan & Sara live, and while I loved the music, and it definitely goes down as one of the best shows I have ever been to; I ended up looking at all the beautiful lesbians and becoming depressed that I'll never be like that, not unless I spend hundreds of thousands on extensive plastic surgery.

Friends suggest we go out together, and as much as I'd love to... as much as I really want to, I know I won't fit in, can't fit in. I feel so powerless to my circumstance. So unattractive. So worthless. There are so many social boundaries that feel like an iron curtain, my happiness being on the other side, unattainable.

I think the only way I'll ever attain peace in this life is by dying... and that just makes me even more sad.